aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuukccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccciiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmuusssssssssssssssssssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.
tttttttttttttttttttteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrssssssssssssssssssssssgggggggggggggggggggggggggooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Im shouting down the moon, sorry, but I must vent. Or lose my ever lasting mind. Will my life ever return to some normal state? Where I can take care of my family/friends not the other way around. Where I can move around for longer that 15 minutes without becoming unable to breathe. Where I am once again a productive person. Where once again I can be a loving wife mother and grandmother. Christmas will suck this year, as i am useless cant help do a thing, useless, useless, useless,useless,useless,useless.
why do they want me around to drag them down, why, why, why
oh Melody, vent away. You have reason to scream! But when you're done try to remember the many times you have cared for all your loved ones when they were little or sick. Now they are caring for you for a while. You are desperately ill but you are going to get better. You are receiving radiation which is exhausting and debilitating. You don't have to do anything for Christmas. You have to learn to be a good patient now. You take care of you first. You're entire goal is to be to get well.
ReplyDeleteRest, eat well, sleep, exercise gently, don't talk to the point of exhaustion, ask for some zanax or something from you doctor to help with the reality based anxiety and don't be reluctant to take them. Ten years ago, Melody,
I was very ill and a month on a respirator and they only took me off so I could die. Well, I fooled them but it wasn't easy. I couldn't even
turn over my myself in bed, couldn't hold a spoon, couldn't talk because the tubes had damaged my vocal chords. The biggest lesson I had to learn was patience and to accept the help of others. You've been a good mother and wife and grandmother. Now you have to learn to be a good patient. Glad you updated your blog because I've been looking.
I will try to remember that.
ReplyDeleteChemo starts MOnday, ughhh, 5 days.
So sore from radiaition
I will make it through, hopefully without much more screaming
Looking forward to the day I actually feel better, right now I do believe they are making me sicker