The feelings

Wow, I am so overwhelmed.
I have asked for prayers for my family, not for me, as I will go to a better place and anyway I feel very selfish in my prayers.
I wish that my 10 beautiful grandchildren to remember me, selflish, I know.
I wish my 3 beautiful children did not have to go through this horrible dance with me.  I know it is horrible as I went down the path 2 times with my grandparents. One lung/bone cancer the other ovarian.
I feel that I am causing damage to all of my family in one way or another, the financial stress is enough w/o all the rest of the shit.
I am angry at doctors who don't give answers. Angry at doctors who say basically I caused this myself.  You smoke, you gave yourself cancer.  So, why doesnt the other 1000 people I know, who smoke, have cancer? Ha, mr. no it all. And mostly, Im angry at me.  Look what you have done, cancer, you idiot.  Bringing all this pain on those you love, idiot,idiot,idiot!!!!

Next stop, PET scan, radiaiton therapy and talking to the chemotherapist.  Woohoo, lucky me.

Its the night before the scan, and I've basically prepared myself to discover even worse news of this devil.
In my nightmares it has spread to my bones and brain.  I seem to be coughing up more blood today, too.
Well, I guess being angry and scared at the same time, takes alot of energy because I am tired.  My family assures me that if I fall asleep during the holidays, they will bear with me and understand.  Well, damnit, I don't understand, why me, Lord!!

Oh, boy, now I don't want to get out of bed.  Had to talk myself into it, know that I have to get up, but really prefer just to stay in bed, depression?.

PET scan is complete.  No more will be done until I have some questions answered!!!!