My last Blog

Hello everyone This is Melody's daughter Amber...I'm here writting for my mother due to today she lost her battle and went home with the lord...She fought for as long as she could....I knw that she was very thankfull to yins for helping her with her fight and she would want yins to knw that she went peacefully and was surrounded by her loved ones...Thank you for all the support yins gave my mother and lots of hugs and kisses to everyone...

DAy 5 of hell complete

was sicker today than all the others rolled together

my breathing is worse; this is supposed to help ; my foot

backto just radiation for the next 21 days

more chemo? we shall see

days of hell

oh, my God, it hurts
gas pains have beaten up my whole chest, stomach area
hurts to breathe
three more days!!!
ugh
coughing hurts to think about
am I going to make it thru this
???????

day  3
 i do believe they lie
i feel terrible cannot stay awake
stomach upset in spite of the fancy drugs
zolfran/amend
my breathing is worse
this is supposed to be making me better?
bah

today is day 4
my chest is hurting like no tomorrow
still cannot bear to eat
everything stinks
Lord, send me an angel today so that I can cope

chemo day 1

Well, my job this week is chemo
9am-4:15 pm oh yeah
Had gas pains all day
watched my oldest child drown in boredom, he went to hold mamma hand, I love him so

first uhoh
do you take bloodpressure medicine
no, its usually 140/90
not today, its quite a bit higher, gonna have to watch that
great

ok 4 more days to go..
I stole the label off the bag so I'd know which drug I was being given-----cisplatin sol??? kinda ripped it wrong

breathless

well, tomorrow I go and willingly poison myself.
So far, I actually feeel worse since starting treatment, I breathe worse and hurt more.
Is there an end?
Will I always hurt like this?
I guess time will answer all these questions.

week one; done

well, one week of radiation is done
i feel no better, actually Im so sore noone can touch me
some nausea, too
really looking forward to monday, as I start chemo and
another week of radiation, yay
i need the presistent fatigue to go away so I can do some
thing with my time, uggghhh hate laying around

just venting; not to worry

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuukccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccciiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmuusssssssssssssssssssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.
tttttttttttttttttttteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrssssssssssssssssssssssgggggggggggggggggggggggggooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Im shouting down the moon, sorry, but I must vent.  Or lose my ever lasting mind.  Will my life ever return to some normal state?  Where I can take care of my family/friends not the other way around.  Where I can move around for longer that 15 minutes without  becoming unable to breathe.  Where I am once again a productive person.  Where once again I can be a loving wife mother and grandmother.  Christmas will suck this year, as i am useless cant help do a thing, useless, useless, useless,useless,useless,useless.

why do they want me around to drag them down, why, why, why

day 1 of radiation and on...........

had my first radiation treatment today.  must say it is not bad, tho, of course, i came close to hyperventilation yesterday getting the prelim work done.  need to shut off the brain---it leads me into trouble!!
who would of thought that lying still for 10-15 minutes could be so difficult, good grief.  Of course, my nose itched, then my eye itched, and could not move to scratch or had to start over.


I still struggling with being a burden to my family.  My poor hubby is trying so hard.  I am watching our future dwindle away with all the bills and he is blaming himself for our lack of insurance.  He works damn hard for what we got and this damn devil is stealing it from him.

next week starts chemo.  the doc gave me the script for the anti nausea meds.  yeah 900$ for one and 500$ for another.  Looks like I'll be fightting the nausea without help.

I wish I could just dry up my tears, that would be so helpful and I also wish I can be unafraid, but thats not happening either.And now, Im not allowed to have a gun, go figure!


well, my children should be happy now, Mom, has tattoos, albeit not thosepretty ones, but tats all the same!
I think I'll skip future ones thank you.
Good news from my pulmo, my breath sounds are increasing, already, in the lung with the tumor.  YAY

well today I should get my expiration date.
all the results should be in and what kind, what stage and where should be known


Stage 3 (due to lung collapse) squamous cell carcinoma--what a mouthful

chemo for 5 days off for 30 for at least 3 rounds
rad everyday (exc. weekends) for 5-7 wks


PET scan showed only the tumor in the bronchus; no sign of it wandering off

I was prepared to be told it had spread everywhere, so I guess I got some good news!!!

Family/Friends

Wow!
I always figured my family would help me; spiritually, and financially  and they have not failed me.
But, the friends I have made online have been totally awesome.  Never doubt the power of strangers, it reaffirms your faith in you fellow human beings.
The folks in the COPD FORUM are awesome.  Support is phenonmenal.
My MAFIA WARS FAMILY:   just as tough as you would expect a mafia to be
MY VERY SPECIAL ONLINE FRIEND: LISA--she has helped hold me up from OK; her own issues put aside to help me.  God bless her.

God Bless Everyone

The lighter side of things:

1. the day the xray technologists couldnt find my lung, the looks on their faces was priceless
2.  my granddaughters who have become my white knights and who tell their mom if grandma is crying, lol
    that's alot
3.  my kids; who say mom cries when she used to smoke; ie; after dinner, lunch, breakfast, upon rising
4.  never quit smoking and get diagnosed with cancer at the same time; its a real bitch

The feelings

Wow, I am so overwhelmed.
I have asked for prayers for my family, not for me, as I will go to a better place and anyway I feel very selfish in my prayers.
I wish that my 10 beautiful grandchildren to remember me, selflish, I know.
I wish my 3 beautiful children did not have to go through this horrible dance with me.  I know it is horrible as I went down the path 2 times with my grandparents. One lung/bone cancer the other ovarian.
I feel that I am causing damage to all of my family in one way or another, the financial stress is enough w/o all the rest of the shit.
I am angry at doctors who don't give answers. Angry at doctors who say basically I caused this myself.  You smoke, you gave yourself cancer.  So, why doesnt the other 1000 people I know, who smoke, have cancer? Ha, mr. no it all. And mostly, Im angry at me.  Look what you have done, cancer, you idiot.  Bringing all this pain on those you love, idiot,idiot,idiot!!!!

Next stop, PET scan, radiaiton therapy and talking to the chemotherapist.  Woohoo, lucky me.

Its the night before the scan, and I've basically prepared myself to discover even worse news of this devil.
In my nightmares it has spread to my bones and brain.  I seem to be coughing up more blood today, too.
Well, I guess being angry and scared at the same time, takes alot of energy because I am tired.  My family assures me that if I fall asleep during the holidays, they will bear with me and understand.  Well, damnit, I don't understand, why me, Lord!!

Oh, boy, now I don't want to get out of bed.  Had to talk myself into it, know that I have to get up, but really prefer just to stay in bed, depression?.

PET scan is complete.  No more will be done until I have some questions answered!!!!

the why and when

I was finally begged to see the doc after bringing up blood with a cough for 3 weeks.
I have copd/emphasema and am always fighting sinus infections, teeth infections and the lot.
I figured the blood was from these. But, off to the doc, I go. This was Nov. 17.
Ah, antibiotic, steriod and a chest xray, these are liveable, doable.  I should say here that I do not have any type of medical insurance.

UH, OH, Monday, Dec 21 doc calls, wants to see me now.
Seems my right lung has ran away, doesnt appear on the xray.  OH, btw, I was a 2 pack a day, 30+ years smoker, so lung cancer was a huge possibility.
He is sending me to a lung doctor, the very next day! OH< NO

Now, I am in a panic and as a avid reader and sometime poster on the COPD FORUM, INTERNATIONAL, I throw this out to them.  What an amazing group of people!

So, off to the lung doc.  He says the right lung is working but barely, whhooosh, thank god, but he wants a bronchoscopy done.  It was done the day after Thanksgiving, Nov. 25.  I am such a wuss, I started crying  on Tuesday and I havent stopped yet.
Ah, a brief word on bronchoscopy, its kinda like lyposuction, but they forgot to take any fat.  It hurts after the fact.

But, the roller coaster continues; get a call on Monday, Nov. 28 for the radiation oncologists office. What!!!!
Receptionist says I have an appointment for the next day.  I say ok, why?  I only knew I had a tumor at the top of my bronchial tube.  She says " OH, Honey, there was cancer found".  I fell totally apart at this point.

The Start of:

Wow, Can't believe I'm here writing a blog, soooo not me!
I am usually a very private person, but I have been encourage to start this blog to detail my journey with lung cancer.  Put on your crash helmet, folks, the tears are flowing, the anger is volcanic, and hopefully this dance with the devil will be won.